Sweet Regret
by Tyler Borgin
Summary: Bellatrix's deeepest thoughts and regrets. OC. Some femmeslash later.
1. Poisoness Dreams

God I'm sick of this place. I've only been here ten years. It's got to be interesting soon. At least I've gotten to the point of being able to sleep. My eyes must look horrible. The screams echo down the grimy walls of hell. Perhaps my husbands. Or brother-in-laws. They are weak. I have never once screamed in here. Not when they set the Dementors on me. Not even when I got my new cell mate: Sirius Black. Grrrr. I utter not one word. He flicks stones at me and tosses around nick-names he gave me while in Hogwarts. Yes this prison is my own personal hell. The screams are echoing again.

Sirius is getting more insane by the second muttering "he's at Hogwarts," over and over again. No! I did not mean that! He's one of the unlucky ones without a trial. Here for something he didn't do. I'm here for something I did. I was… misinformed. I blame Snape for my fate. Trying to protect the mud-blood bitch.

About once a week I get letters from Dromeda rubbing it in my face how happy she is with her _half-blood_ brat and her_ mud-blood _husband. I don't read them anymore. I have the guards burn them.

Ten years of having it rubbed in my face that a _HALF-BLOOD_, Potter killed my master. My mark has disappeared. Sirius is poking me. Maybe I should pull his ear like I used to when we were children. I do.

He screams and flicks rocks at me. Poor thing. I pity him. His insanity, his prosecution. Don't tell him I said that. I'm insane talking to a piece of parchment.

"Someday we'll get out Trixie, you and I together." He slurs. Have a nice time with that dream Sirius. "I love you Bella. Your silence inspires me. Not one day in ten years have you uttered one word. You didn't cry. You didn't protest. You take your pin in silence." He says. He pulls me into a tight embrace. "Bella I wish you didn't give your life up for a man that will never love you back." I wish I hadn't as well. It's ruined my mind. "We'll get through together," he promises. "Please speak to me. I want ot hear your sweet thick voice. Please."

"I want to go with you." I say.

"Dreams poison one's mind." He murmurs. He lets go of me. Bella I miss it. When we were best friends. You stopped talking to me when I was sorted into Gryffindor. I missed you."

He had a point. When I stopped talking to him everything reminded me of my best friend.

"That's all in the past love." I say.

"And even if no one comes to visit us we'll have each other." He says. I can see the tears washing away the grime on his face.

"I'm your friend, Sirius, I promise." I say.

And we clung to each other- not as lovers but as friends. My first happy memories in Azkaban.


	2. Girl,

I don't know how long it's been since Sirius left. They caught me. He sends me letters apologizing over and over for not bringing me along. I don't mind anymore Sirius.

Sometimes when the screams ring in my ears I wonder what it feels like. What horrible pain had I put the Longbottoms under? I hate myself. I'm a sick, twisted bitch. When I hear the sound of death taking other inmates away I silently beg to him "take me with you."

I regret getting this ugly mark on my arm. I hate mum for carving this pure-blood blasphemy in to my head. I hate the insanity that runs through my veins. I don't know how long it will be before I die or get out of here.

Another letter. From Dromeda. "I hope you rot in hell!" she says. What do you think I'm doing Drommie? Having the time of my life? Shows what you know.

I need water. My throat hurts. I can't breath. God I miss Sirius. He made it all better.

I have a muggle song stuck in my head. I don't know the band's name but I like it. "Is there anybody going to listen to my story all about the girl who came to stay? She's the girl you want so much it makes you sorry. Still you don't regret a single day."

Ah yes that girl. I remember her. Her name was Lily. She had red hair and emerald eyes. She was three years younger than me. She was a muggle born and she married James Potter. She told me she hated me and my sisters for our pure-blood nonsense. I told her she should talk to our mother. She asked if I was Snapes friend. I told her I wasn't he had never spoken to me. She called me Trixie and said she was sorry she had been so cruel. I told her she wasn't a mud-blood. She was a queen on the top of the world. I told her she had purer blood than anyone in the school and if anyone told her different to come get me.

After I had left Hogwarts and gotten this ugly mark I got a letter from her. It was covered in tears. "Trixie I heard what you did. I think you're a horrible person. Sevvy called me 'mud-blood' today. In front of James Potter. God I hate him and his lot. Why did you get the mark Trixie? Are you going to help him? Will you slaughter innocent people? Was it expected of you?" I never finished reading it. I tried to hex the mark off- if Lily didn't like it I didn't need it. The last time I heard from her was when I was in Azkaban. I didn't read the letter at all.

I know I called her a bitch before. That was because she fell for James Potter and not me. I remember having Nimue and wishing Lily was there to see my child. I gave Nimue up to help the Dark Lord. I gave Lily up to fulfill my duty. I hated doing both. I wonder if she's still beautiful. Sleeping under the ground her emerald eyes sparkling. If I could be with you Lily I would. If I was with you Lily I wouldn't have this damned mark or be in this hell hole. If you had loved me Lily like I loved you, you wouldn't be dead. Ah Lily poor thing. The only thing I wanted and never got. Lily Evans.


End file.
